Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
