I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
