she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
