Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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