No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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