you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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