went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's official drugs can't kill me
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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