I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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