Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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