my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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