Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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