Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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