Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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