Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
