I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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