gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
