I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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