your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize