I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize