You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
