There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
