You're a womanizer and a bitch.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Randomize
