Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
