I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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