So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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