He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
