Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
