I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
