So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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