my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
