I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
her facebook's as public as her vagina
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
