Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
