I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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