I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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