I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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