Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
