I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
