hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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