I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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