Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
