O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
