Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
