the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
