my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
