Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
