I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
