He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
