god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
