Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
