you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
