even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
