Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
