I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
