i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
