I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
