Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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