Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
