none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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